oh, hey part 2

i know.

you're confused.

you're generally the stupidest person i know

(when it comes to these things)

so maybe this can help:

i'm sitting here

post-party

feeling just awful

when my life is so amazing

i think people would sell their first child

just to trade me.

i shouldn't feel awful.

and generally, i don't.

but tonight was really rough

so naturally i want to pick up the phone and call you

and tell you about it

and hear your stupid voice on the other end of the line

so that i'm guaranteed to feel better

even if the world is literally falling apart.

i said i wouldn't ever really need you

except once in awhile i would

and you said okay, you would be there when i need you.

and you wrapped yourself around me and we went to sleep

and i believed you.

and then you went and pulled the rug out from under my feet

and i'm pretty sure that now i wouldn't be able to find you even i tried to.

i think that you think you didn't do anything.

you may be slightly aware that something is wrong

but probably have no idea why i'm so upset or why i'm not talking to you.

you let me down so far that i have to find my way back up.

you played pretend when i wasn't playing pretend.

i do that for a living, i don't need to do that in my real life.

it may seem like nothing to you but it's everything to me

and it's enough that right now, i'm sitting here, wishing i could call

and i can't.

and because of that, i can't answer you or talk to you or be with you.

and i hate that more than you ever possibly could.

i hate feeling like this.

(but at least i'll go running entirely too much and look really good.

i mean, that's a definite bonus to my heart hurting.)

do you get it now?

oh, hey

note to all men:

when you take your girl for granted

and let her down big time

and, even worse, when you do it via email

the correct thing to do is definitely NOT

waiting two days and messaging said girl

with a random sentence.

don't bother trying to test the waters

to see just how bad things are.

the waters don't want you testing them.

the waters are doing just fine on their own.

you have to fight for what you want.

okay, great.

glad we had this little chat.

i may be in love with letterpress

this past weekend i went here:

it was swell. it was more than swell.

i had to practice not yelping and jumping around a lot but i did twirl a little bit as twirling is almost always completely necessary and acceptable.

this little shindig also gave me a great opportunity to use some self-control

because i wanted to buy almost everything i saw.

for serious.

so instead, now i am just sitting around looking at the websites

of basically every designer that was there.

a lot of the booths provided really good gift inspiration and i currently

need to figure out gifts for, oh, around 72 people,

it was a great chance to get my mind moving.

now i just need to make a plan and place some orders.

did everyone know this craft fair existed except me?

going to this also gave me a chance to finally play in williamsburg

which i have only been dying to do forever.

i had my very own williamsburg friendly guide to show me around

and he did a darn good job if i do say so myself.

anybody who will drag you up onto a roof and make you climb through wires

to show you a beautiful view of the city below is alright with me.

in other news, i only have three weeks left of my tour.

i feel like it was only last week that i finally fell in love with touring.

my sense of time is completely warped.

i was trying to figure out when i got my iphone and thought

it was about 6 months when really it was a full year ago.

your brain changes on tour, i swear.

this is really a greatgrandgood thing

but sometimes it makes it harder to relate to non-touring people

and function in "regular" society

(i.e. what do you mean no one will just clean my room for me?)

and i have certainly seen the affects it has taken on certain people as of late.

however, i love it so much and if me being on tour is too much for a person

then that person is just too much for me.

so tomorrow i head to toronto

and cleveland next week for a two weeker

and then.. then it's back to new york

and on to new adventures.

xo

i say..

[*ahem. i suggest reading the post below this first if you haven't already.]

fuck what they say.

be yourself.

be needy when you need to be needy.

be independent when you need to be independent.

let whatever happens in between, happen in between.

he will either keep up

or he won't be able to handle it.

and wouldn't you rather know if he can't handle you

from the start instead of at the finish line?

or, even worse, after the reception line?

my girlfriends and i talked tonight about acting like a "girlfriend".

what does it entail?

do all of the "girlfriends" we know share the same traits? (yes)

should one act a certain way because that leads to being treated like a girlfriend

and that leads to being in a relationship? (maybe)

should you ever act like anyone you aren't? (no!)

i am who i am,

i can't help it.

i happen to think i'm particularly

awesome

and am in high hopes

that he will be able to handle the awesomeness

and if not, that someone else will.

they say..

be independent.

be strong on your own.

learn how to take care of yourself

so you never have to rely on anyone.

men love strong, confident women.

but who cares what they think, be confident for yourself

(that will definitely get you a guy).

do what makes you happy,

don't make time to fit them in,

don't look busy, actually be busy.

don't let men pay

or lift things

or help you.

show them you don't need them.

(then they'll really need you!)

then they say

but let him do things for you once in awhile,

after all, a man needs to feel needed!

let him build you something or fix something.

those are manly tasks!

let him think he's totally in control.

maybe even let him help you figure something out

even if you already figured it out!

men need to feel like men

so you need to be a woman.

a woman should

be smart but not too smart,

be available but not too available,

be skinny but not too skinny,

be pretty but not too pretty,

be perfect.

just whatever you do, don't be needy!

heavens, no.

unless, of course, he needs you to need him.

in that case, be needy but just enough

that he doesn't get nervous.

because God forbid he find out the truth:

you do actually need him

but only sometimes.

being independent can be exhausting

and even when you're wildly busy

you still think of him the whole day.

on the day he crawled into your heart

you knew you were screwed

and no matter what, you can't get him out.

that yes, women have guys that are strictly hook-ups

but no, he is not one of them.

God forbid he find out that your life is really amazing

and still, you are happiest when with him.

no, ladies, no.

don't let him know.

he'll have nothing to chase

and men love a good chase.

simple, right?

the girl really is on the go!

hey. hi. hello there.

i have got so much to blog about and i can't seem to find the time to do it! there are entries a plenty comin' your way, all six of you.

they will involve the most adorable babies you've ever seen, recounts of some amazing theatre that i've seen as of late, what it's like to be back auditioning after being on tour for so long and why i never want to leave tour again, a date that ended with a kiss that actually affected me

(who knew?!) AND a raccoon incident that has taken over this week.

i'm hoping to get some major couch/computer/lazy time in this weekend (unless i am out scoping puppies...) and will have posts to keep you company over there on your couch.

til then --