it's time for a..

Grateful List!

this is my favorite activity ever!

okay, let's see...

i am GRATEFUL:

1. that i have the freedom to make choices

and then actually make those choices as opposed to becoming indecisive or stagnant.

2. that i'm living my dream every single day

and am in love with my "job".

3. that i have a healthy, strong, sexy body.

4. that i can communicate what i want and what i need.

5. that i will be able to grocery shop and cook in less than a week's time!

6. that i don't waste my time and i don't waste anyone else's time.

7. for my future dog(s) even though i haven't met them yet.

8. that i have the ability to learn whatever i decide i want to try.

9. that i have kind, strong, supportive women in my life.

10. that so many new adventures are on their way to me.

i swear making lists of things i'm grateful for makes my heart fill up and guarantees a great day. it's sort of impossible to focus on anything negative when you count your blessings.

try it <3

what are you grateful for?!

made this at work tonight

and, now

the calmness of my heart and mind clearing

(that i have to patiently wait for every time)

just happened this morning.

and now, i remember.

the only choice is love,

we are all so connected

and the little things that affect us

don't matter as much as we let them.

so i will let them go.

today is gonna be so good

i can hardly wait :o)

oh, hey part 2

i know.

you're confused.

you're generally the stupidest person i know

(when it comes to these things)

so maybe this can help:

i'm sitting here

post-party

feeling just awful

when my life is so amazing

i think people would sell their first child

just to trade me.

i shouldn't feel awful.

and generally, i don't.

but tonight was really rough

so naturally i want to pick up the phone and call you

and tell you about it

and hear your stupid voice on the other end of the line

so that i'm guaranteed to feel better

even if the world is literally falling apart.

i said i wouldn't ever really need you

except once in awhile i would

and you said okay, you would be there when i need you.

and you wrapped yourself around me and we went to sleep

and i believed you.

and then you went and pulled the rug out from under my feet

and i'm pretty sure that now i wouldn't be able to find you even i tried to.

i think that you think you didn't do anything.

you may be slightly aware that something is wrong

but probably have no idea why i'm so upset or why i'm not talking to you.

you let me down so far that i have to find my way back up.

you played pretend when i wasn't playing pretend.

i do that for a living, i don't need to do that in my real life.

it may seem like nothing to you but it's everything to me

and it's enough that right now, i'm sitting here, wishing i could call

and i can't.

and because of that, i can't answer you or talk to you or be with you.

and i hate that more than you ever possibly could.

i hate feeling like this.

(but at least i'll go running entirely too much and look really good.

i mean, that's a definite bonus to my heart hurting.)

do you get it now?

oh, hey

note to all men:

when you take your girl for granted

and let her down big time

and, even worse, when you do it via email

the correct thing to do is definitely NOT

waiting two days and messaging said girl

with a random sentence.

don't bother trying to test the waters

to see just how bad things are.

the waters don't want you testing them.

the waters are doing just fine on their own.

you have to fight for what you want.

okay, great.

glad we had this little chat.

"never compromise yourself.

you are all you've got."

- Janis Joplin

a love letter to my job

i'm not sure if you know,

but my job is very different than your job.

my job is the only workplace where:

1. my co-workers and i spend all of our time together outside of our work environment.

2. we live together, eat together, sleep together, travel together and play together.

3. we do not have any other important people around like friends or family.

4. we have worked together across the country and throughout canada.

5. we see each other naked. all the time. it's actually part of our job to change our clothing in front of one another and we even have other people who are hired to help us.

6. we have conversations with our co-workers while they are in the shower or on the toilet.

7. we know the details of who is sleeping with who, who is mad at who, who caused the current biggest drama, who is sick and with what and what bodily functions they have going on.

8. we celebrate birthdays and holidays with each other.

9. we speak in a strange language with words like "EPA's" and "ECC's".

10. it actually DOES matter what you look like, sound like, move like and how old you are.

11. we spend half our time pretending to be other people.

12. we are all somewhat selfish by nature and are completely okay with it.

13. our career goals, to an extent, are more important than almost everything else.

14. we can wear absolutely anything we want to our work place. anything.

15. we are very often given free food and free alcohol in exchange for spending time with strangers.

16. we did not choose our career, it chose us. and for most of us, it chose us at a very young age.

17. thousands of people pay money to watch us work.

18. our work day usually starts around 7 pm and ends around 11 pm give or take 30 minutes.

19. waking up early means being up by 10 am.

20. saturdays and sundays are our busiest work days of the week. monday is a breeze.

it's a strange existance

and i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

not for stability, not for "normalcy", not for the comfort in knowing where your next paycheck will come from, not for all the things we miss being away from home, not for the people we lose because they can't understand our work and not for an easier lifestyle.

after about 13 years of being in theatre and

after 18 months of doing the same show 8 times a week,

i still get the biggest rush and the fullest heart

from performing.

my first true love.

i say..

[*ahem. i suggest reading the post below this first if you haven't already.]

fuck what they say.

be yourself.

be needy when you need to be needy.

be independent when you need to be independent.

let whatever happens in between, happen in between.

he will either keep up

or he won't be able to handle it.

and wouldn't you rather know if he can't handle you

from the start instead of at the finish line?

or, even worse, after the reception line?

my girlfriends and i talked tonight about acting like a "girlfriend".

what does it entail?

do all of the "girlfriends" we know share the same traits? (yes)

should one act a certain way because that leads to being treated like a girlfriend

and that leads to being in a relationship? (maybe)

should you ever act like anyone you aren't? (no!)

i am who i am,

i can't help it.

i happen to think i'm particularly

awesome

and am in high hopes

that he will be able to handle the awesomeness

and if not, that someone else will.

inside the brain of an actor

i had what i believe Miss Winfrey calls an "a-ha" moment tonight.

as i stood offstage in the wings, just barely out of sight from the audience, i examined my taped up fingers and tried, yet again, to convince myself that they looked totally normal, that nothing was wrong.

and then - music, curtain up, ensemble go, ensemble bow, russians go, russians bow - i'm flying back on to the stage with a fellow cast member gripping my right hand, unaware that a different cast member had accidentally gone flying through a door as i was heading in it and that my hand happened to be sacrificed in order to protect my face.

i get to center stage, the smile is broad and bright, we bow, the rush happens, i am filled up. as i finally get to stare back at the 2500+ people who have been staring at me all night, i tell myself in my head that it doesn't matter that my hand is throbbing.

they don't need to know.

BAM. lightbulb.

ohmygod did i just completely figure out why i am the way i am?

"they don't need to know" could sum up most of my life. i constantly choose to worry about the well being of everyone around me and do my damnedest not to ever be a problem for anyone ever. well, no wonder! i literally grew up on stage where i learned very early that it does not matter what you feel like, those people paid to be here and you will do your job, thank you very much. even when it wasn't a job and was just something fun that took up my nights and weekends. like a cell phone plan with an attitude problem and coffee pushing habits. i am continuously referred to as being a "trooper" and it's commonly known that if i bring something up or mention being in pain of some sort that it's probably the type of thing most people would be heading to the hospital over. one of the favored stories from this tour is how, as i was passing out in serious pain and the room around me was going black, i did not choose to call any of my friends but instead, text them so as to not disturb anyone incase they were sleeping. let me reiterate: i was on the ground, nearly unconscious and in severe pain and did not want to bother anyone. i honestly don't think i realized how dumb that was until just now, typing it.

i can say with certainty, i have a big problem with compulsive complainers and an even greater fear of ever looking as though i may be a whiner. i have the old school performer mindset of just sucking it up and working through whatever hurts. it will pass. however, maybe the fact that i've been parading around in front of thousands of people whom i deem to be more important than me and my own personal needs simply because they've paid anywhere from 20 to 200 dollars to see me, may sort of have had it's effects on me.

one of my greatest lessons this year was learning that it's not only important but crucial to pick myself over others. i used to think this was being selfish when in fact, it's being smart. it's the only was to be. of course i do not mean this in extremes. oh, sorry starving child, i must pick myself over you. no. clearly not. instead i mean saying no to going out when you would rather stay in or turning off your cell phone when you just need some time to be alone or get work done or heading out in a different direction than others because you know you can't eat where they're going and darn it, you just can't pull together a meal made up of side dishes any longer. taking care of yourself.

when push comes to shove, the audience IS the most important part of the equation. they pay to see us, we sell out houses, we all make money. but if i break it down even further i can see that if i am not well or am hurt and can not do the show, the audience isn't getting what they paid to see. what if everyone in my show didn't take care of themselves? we would fall apart! maybe not even be able to do the show. and then what?

i'm quite proud of my ability to get through virtually anything and even prouder at how serious i take what i do for a living and how much i honestly love the human beings in the audience and the show i get to be a part of every night. but maybe it's okay to take myself into consideration, too. maybe it's okay to keep putting myself first even when it's not in the designated zone that i've carved out for myself. maybe there can't be a zone but instead, an all the time type of thing. i think i would still be a good actor. actually, i think i'd probably be a better one.

i'm so baffled by this. i feel like i just figured out the last 13 years of my life.

gotta go think about this and/or not think about this.

57 degrees is my winter.

he stopped suddenly in the middle of the street,

eyed my layers and laughed.

“you must be from florida or somethin’.”

i smiled.

“well, i’m definitely not from here.”

making my own silver lining

i have been feeling particularly bad for myself over the past few days.

it is my belief that feeling bad for one's self does not help any situation.

in fact, i truly believe that it only makes things worse.

so, in the spirit of healing and happiness, i submit to you, dear readers:

my grateful list

1. my mom

(who has been taking super good care of me even when i'm cranky).

2. extra time away from performing reminds me how much i love + need it.

3. amazing friends

(who have been sending well wishes full of love).

4. not getting what i want

(because it makes me work even harder).

5. other people's blogs who keep me company during days like these

(like this one + this one + this one).

6. creativity! + good ideas

(which keeps my mind moving even when i want it to be still).

7. NYC, LA, Austin, NJ

(+ the other beautiful and interesting places i've been this year).

8. adventures + future adventures.

9. pretend designing my future homes.

10. the ability to learn new skills

(+ crossing things off my to-do list).

i feel better already :o)

what are you grateful for today?

xox

did you know ...

... this Thursday, April 8th, 2010 is One Day Without Shoes?

TOMSshoes (which i love, love, love!)

has declared this Thursday a day to rid your feet of shoes and spend a day learning what it's like to be without shoes. they've recruited many a celebrity to make videos to promote the day and have set up events all around the country (world?) where folks can get together and support each other and their barefootedness.

check out www.onedaywithoutshoes.com

for more info and for nifty little banners like the ones i've got posted here.

you can even replace your current facebook/twitter/tumblr/blogger/etc icons

with the stickers and banners and so forth that are found in the toolkit.

i changed my facebook and my twitter!

see, all the cool kids are doing it!

and these kids over at TOMS are no dummys

(they are the opposite)

and know that lots of people can't go shoeless all day

and so they covered that little issue with this logo:

cause sometimes it's not about doing everything

it's just about doing something.

spread the word

BUY TOMS

(vegan!!)

and spend a minute, hour or day learning what it's like

to walk in somebody else's (non-existent) shoes.

give. give, give, give.

xox

Think Happy Thoughts..

i rediscovered my love for Operation Nice tonight.

have you checked it out? if not, go do it! i'll wait.

a year and a half ago, i had the privilege of interviewing the woman who created and runs the blog and spreads kindness every single day. she was just as cool as i thought she would be and the interview was done through email. when you can tell someone is cool from email, you know you have met someone amazing.

i particularly love the posters she created (as seen above) because it reminds everyone who sees it that simple, everyday gestures like holding a door or sharing a smile or some kind words can do wonders for the people you encounter each day and for yourself. think about it: don't you feel so much better after giving someone else a compliment or keeping a smile on your face even when you're exhausted or frustrated? it really helps me to be kind when i'm in a grouchy mood. check out her blog when you need a pick me up!

spread that love -- xo

the girl really is on the go!

hey. hi. hello there.

i have got so much to blog about and i can't seem to find the time to do it! there are entries a plenty comin' your way, all six of you.

they will involve the most adorable babies you've ever seen, recounts of some amazing theatre that i've seen as of late, what it's like to be back auditioning after being on tour for so long and why i never want to leave tour again, a date that ended with a kiss that actually affected me

(who knew?!) AND a raccoon incident that has taken over this week.

i'm hoping to get some major couch/computer/lazy time in this weekend (unless i am out scoping puppies...) and will have posts to keep you company over there on your couch.

til then --

there have been numerous times today where i was smacked in the face with how unbelievably blessed i am and how completely and entirely grateful i am.

for this tour, for these people, for this time, for this adventure, for this certainty, for these lessons, for these words, for this love, for this day, for this second.

i am so grateful.

i felt like i had to write this after so much awareness today. i couldn't ignore it.

i am grateful for you reading this.

i am blessed to be able to write it.

spread love.

and i feel better.

sometimes when i look at other people's pictures i think how i would like to have every type of camera possible. how i wish i had a fancier one than i do while i've been traveling this past year.

but then i think how lucky i am to have any camera at all. i remember that i'm not always super good at bringing it with me or taking photographs (other than in my mind) because i'm usually to busy, distracted, lazy or embarrassed to take it out. i don't think i deserve a fancypants big girl camera if i can't even fully appreciate the one i have. i think about how i have hundreds of pictures from more places than most people will ever get to see.

and i feel better.

sometimes when i read other people's blogs i think how i would like to be more consistent with posts and how neat it would be if lots of people flocked to my blog.

but then i think how lucky i am to be able to blog at all. to have the luxury of free time and the gift of being able to write and express myself. the freedom to do so. i think of how no matter how infrequently i write or how self-indulgent or terrible it may be, my mother will always read it. i'll always have at least one reader in the form of my biggest fan.

and i feel better.

sometimes when i'm out on tour i get so sad that i'm not home and with the people i love and care about. i get sad that i can't maintain a normal relationship and have sacrificed more things than i ever thought i would. i start to get anxious and fearful.

but then i remember i am living my dream. i have made it to a place in this business that too few people see at an age that is going to allow me to keep moving forward. i think about how someone is paying for me to see the entire country and how i have learned who is really important in my life and who will be patiently waiting for when i return. how i'm finally starting to figure out what love means. how i know all i need is to take a deep breath.

and i feel better.

the eighteenth of february in 2010

Today began with the type of morning where it felt like a toilet was exploding all over my life. Or at least my bathroom. This is mainly because my toilet exploded all over my bathroom.

I decided to push the re-start button and headed out to explore parts of San Francisco that I haven't seen yet since I'm leaving here in just a few days.

I found my legs walking me to the Grace Cathedral where my boots made entirely too much noise and I worried what everyone around me was thinking. I worried that I was ruining their peaceful visit. I worried that I shouldn't be taking pictures and would be kicked out. I saw how the other people there were taking pictures with flash and wearing running sneakers and have spent a large enough chunk of my life in New York City to instantly know they were tourists and felt a little better about my noisy shoes and non-flash picture taking. I reminded myself that probably no one was thinking anything about me since they came to see the Cathedral and not me but still had a few oh-god-there's-people-looking-at-me moments as I slid into a pew. Strange thoughts for an actress to have. Uncomfortable at the thought of people looking, watching, staring at her and yet this is how it is.

I closed my eyes and I thought and I prayed and I felt and I heard and I stopped wondering if anyone else was looking at me. I was the calmest I have been in weeks. Months. I haven't decided yet as to whether I'm taking this as a sign or not. I stayed for a while, longer than I meant to but I didn't mind. I reminded myself that the best days are usually the type where I let the day happen to me instead of the other way around.

I walked out of the Cathedral and I didn't make a donation and I felt awful. Terrible. I felt like I could write volumes on The Catholic Guilt. I forgot about it the second I got outside. I walked down the stairs and up the street and down the hill and up the hill and my iPhone tried to tell me to go one way but I went a different way and I was right and it was wrong and I felt glad that I can function without technology when I have to and/or when it is just being dumb. I ended up in City Lights Books and the lady at the front desk told me to leave my coffee at the entrance and I almost told her it wasn't coffee but I didn't. I started to go downstairs but turned around and went the other way and felt like everyone was watching me and I wanted to act natural, like I've been there a million times, like this is an ordinary day in my ordinary San Franciscan life but I was pretty sure everyone could tell I wasn't a local. I was also pretty sure no one was looking at me or contemplating if I was a local. This did not stop me from thinking it immediately but before long I did stop and became immersed in this bookshop filled with books that I have never seen in a Barnes & Noble. I climbed the stairs to the third floor and scanned through almost every title in the poetry section and wished that I read more poetry and made a mental note to start. I found Rilke's Letters To A Young Poet and I picked a copy up for Kaitlin partially because I love her and partially because I want my copy back. I went back downstairs and watched a girl pick up The Architechture of Happiness and call out to her friend that this was the book from (500) Days of Summer, remember? He remembered. She posed with the book for a picture as though she had just bumped into an actor from the film and when she put the book back without even reading the back cover or skimming a random page, I felt sad. I wanted her to buy the book and read it so it was no longer that book from that movie. I wanted myself to have actually finished reading it and I add it to my list underneath "read more poetry". I think about buying a copy but I don't. I go downstairs and understand why my legs started walking this way upon my initial arrival at the store when I see that this is where the books on Theatre and Film and Philosophy and Women's Studies are. My legs are always right. I try to look through the Theatre section but there are two boys hogging all the beautiful plays and one of them is very tall and I don't like to be next to tall people for too long so I turn around and begin with Film. I pretend that I don't see them checking me out. I like that I am someone who gets checked out. I hate that I am someone who gets checked out. They probably think I'm they're age. They probably think I'm younger. I grabbed the first book that got my attention, a small, red, squarish book about Independent Films. I began to wonder if maybe I'll see it listed in the table of contents but, no, it wasn't there. I put the book down and noticed a different cover on the one behind it. A second edition created four years after the first. I opened to the table of contents and I knew what I was going to see and even while knowing, I still took a sharp, deep breath in when I saw your name listed. I felt like I was punched in the gut but only for a second. It passed. It always passes. The punch turned to pride and the pride turned to proud and I did a little cheer in my head without meaning to. I will always feel proud. I carried the book around with me while I finished looking around but only because I didn't want to let go, not because I planned to buy it. Later on in the day I will consider going back tomorrow to buy it. I purchase the Rilke and I feel sad to leave all of the other books behind. I want to bring them all home with me and I wonder if it's strange to feel sad to leave books.

I head toward The Beat Museum and I go in and ask the man behind the desk how long do I need to really enjoy the museum and he says at minimum forty five minutes and I maybe have thirty since I left all of my minutes behind with the books. We end up talking for awhile and I'm surprised at how refreshing he is. I don't think about your name in the small, red, squarish book. I see the poster that the person who is not you purchased last week and I instantly feel bad for standing in the same room, talking and slightly flirting with the man who probably rung up the poster. I wonder if it was in this room that he realized he loved me or if it was later, on the piers. I decide it was later. The man behind the counter and I get to the part where we wonder if we should keep in touch and I mention facebook because it is safe and he says that he doesn't have a facebook. I am stunned and entirely too excited. He doesn't have a facebook. I want to be friends with this man. I tell him he has made my day and I leave and realize that I have an appointment twenty minutes away from a place I am thirty minutes away from. I get a cab and make it to my massage at three-thirty on the dot but the Do Not Disturb sign is on the door and so I pace around outside deciding whether or not to knock until I hear the masseuse rummaging around and realize he is waiting for me. I began to think of you about three-fourth's of the way through but only because of that stupid small, red, squarish book that I now sort of hate. I fight to get the thoughts out and concentrate on the hands that are clearly a gift from God. I wonder how many years I'll have to wait until I can hire this man to give me a massage every week. Afterwards, I am more than aware that he is flirting with me. Slightly and slowly but flirting all the same. I try to stick with my new vow and I don't flirt back except for maybe-just-a-little but way less than I ever would have before I decided to stop.

Later on I will watch a movie that I'll want to text you about. I'll text someone else instead. I'll climb into my bed and write this entry and have you on my mind all the while aware of the pillowcase that still smells like him. I'll start to analyze but I'll stop myself. I'll switch back and forth between tenses but leave it like that anyway. I'll remember that this entry was about my day but turned into being about you. I'll finish writing and debate whether or not to post a link to this on tumblr. I'll wonder what you and he and she and they will think. I'll exhaust myself before I can decide and put it off for the moment. My phone will light up with texts from people who aren't you and I will panic when I see that it is three-thirty in the morning and I will make myself go to bed and tell myself that there is always tomorrow. There is always tomorrow.