and, now

the calmness of my heart and mind clearing

(that i have to patiently wait for every time)

just happened this morning.

and now, i remember.

the only choice is love,

we are all so connected

and the little things that affect us

don't matter as much as we let them.

so i will let them go.

today is gonna be so good

i can hardly wait :o)

oh, hey part 2

i know.

you're confused.

you're generally the stupidest person i know

(when it comes to these things)

so maybe this can help:

i'm sitting here

post-party

feeling just awful

when my life is so amazing

i think people would sell their first child

just to trade me.

i shouldn't feel awful.

and generally, i don't.

but tonight was really rough

so naturally i want to pick up the phone and call you

and tell you about it

and hear your stupid voice on the other end of the line

so that i'm guaranteed to feel better

even if the world is literally falling apart.

i said i wouldn't ever really need you

except once in awhile i would

and you said okay, you would be there when i need you.

and you wrapped yourself around me and we went to sleep

and i believed you.

and then you went and pulled the rug out from under my feet

and i'm pretty sure that now i wouldn't be able to find you even i tried to.

i think that you think you didn't do anything.

you may be slightly aware that something is wrong

but probably have no idea why i'm so upset or why i'm not talking to you.

you let me down so far that i have to find my way back up.

you played pretend when i wasn't playing pretend.

i do that for a living, i don't need to do that in my real life.

it may seem like nothing to you but it's everything to me

and it's enough that right now, i'm sitting here, wishing i could call

and i can't.

and because of that, i can't answer you or talk to you or be with you.

and i hate that more than you ever possibly could.

i hate feeling like this.

(but at least i'll go running entirely too much and look really good.

i mean, that's a definite bonus to my heart hurting.)

do you get it now?

oh, hey

note to all men:

when you take your girl for granted

and let her down big time

and, even worse, when you do it via email

the correct thing to do is definitely NOT

waiting two days and messaging said girl

with a random sentence.

don't bother trying to test the waters

to see just how bad things are.

the waters don't want you testing them.

the waters are doing just fine on their own.

you have to fight for what you want.

okay, great.

glad we had this little chat.

"never compromise yourself.

you are all you've got."

- Janis Joplin

a love letter to my job

i'm not sure if you know,

but my job is very different than your job.

my job is the only workplace where:

1. my co-workers and i spend all of our time together outside of our work environment.

2. we live together, eat together, sleep together, travel together and play together.

3. we do not have any other important people around like friends or family.

4. we have worked together across the country and throughout canada.

5. we see each other naked. all the time. it's actually part of our job to change our clothing in front of one another and we even have other people who are hired to help us.

6. we have conversations with our co-workers while they are in the shower or on the toilet.

7. we know the details of who is sleeping with who, who is mad at who, who caused the current biggest drama, who is sick and with what and what bodily functions they have going on.

8. we celebrate birthdays and holidays with each other.

9. we speak in a strange language with words like "EPA's" and "ECC's".

10. it actually DOES matter what you look like, sound like, move like and how old you are.

11. we spend half our time pretending to be other people.

12. we are all somewhat selfish by nature and are completely okay with it.

13. our career goals, to an extent, are more important than almost everything else.

14. we can wear absolutely anything we want to our work place. anything.

15. we are very often given free food and free alcohol in exchange for spending time with strangers.

16. we did not choose our career, it chose us. and for most of us, it chose us at a very young age.

17. thousands of people pay money to watch us work.

18. our work day usually starts around 7 pm and ends around 11 pm give or take 30 minutes.

19. waking up early means being up by 10 am.

20. saturdays and sundays are our busiest work days of the week. monday is a breeze.

it's a strange existance

and i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

not for stability, not for "normalcy", not for the comfort in knowing where your next paycheck will come from, not for all the things we miss being away from home, not for the people we lose because they can't understand our work and not for an easier lifestyle.

after about 13 years of being in theatre and

after 18 months of doing the same show 8 times a week,

i still get the biggest rush and the fullest heart

from performing.

my first true love.

rocking out in 1905

today is one of those days where i'd rather not listen to fiddler on the roof.

unfortunately, that's the show i'm currently in so i don't really have a choice.

so on days like this, when i am ready to never hear the soundtrack again,

i bust out my little secret weapon:

headphones.

and everything is totally cool :o)

[can people at regular jobs do this?

can you guys just bust out headphones and put them on?

or would that be a big no-no?

regular jobs fascinate me!]

i am grateful for little distractions.

xo

p.s. isn't this little girl the cutest ever?!

i may be in love with letterpress

this past weekend i went here:

it was swell. it was more than swell.

i had to practice not yelping and jumping around a lot but i did twirl a little bit as twirling is almost always completely necessary and acceptable.

this little shindig also gave me a great opportunity to use some self-control

because i wanted to buy almost everything i saw.

for serious.

so instead, now i am just sitting around looking at the websites

of basically every designer that was there.

a lot of the booths provided really good gift inspiration and i currently

need to figure out gifts for, oh, around 72 people,

it was a great chance to get my mind moving.

now i just need to make a plan and place some orders.

did everyone know this craft fair existed except me?

going to this also gave me a chance to finally play in williamsburg

which i have only been dying to do forever.

i had my very own williamsburg friendly guide to show me around

and he did a darn good job if i do say so myself.

anybody who will drag you up onto a roof and make you climb through wires

to show you a beautiful view of the city below is alright with me.

in other news, i only have three weeks left of my tour.

i feel like it was only last week that i finally fell in love with touring.

my sense of time is completely warped.

i was trying to figure out when i got my iphone and thought

it was about 6 months when really it was a full year ago.

your brain changes on tour, i swear.

this is really a greatgrandgood thing

but sometimes it makes it harder to relate to non-touring people

and function in "regular" society

(i.e. what do you mean no one will just clean my room for me?)

and i have certainly seen the affects it has taken on certain people as of late.

however, i love it so much and if me being on tour is too much for a person

then that person is just too much for me.

so tomorrow i head to toronto

and cleveland next week for a two weeker

and then.. then it's back to new york

and on to new adventures.

xo