i had what i believe Miss Winfrey calls an "a-ha" moment tonight.
as i stood offstage in the wings, just barely out of sight from the audience, i examined my taped up fingers and tried, yet again, to convince myself that they looked totally normal, that nothing was wrong.
and then - music, curtain up, ensemble go, ensemble bow, russians go, russians bow - i'm flying back on to the stage with a fellow cast member gripping my right hand, unaware that a different cast member had accidentally gone flying through a door as i was heading in it and that my hand happened to be sacrificed in order to protect my face.
i get to center stage, the smile is broad and bright, we bow, the rush happens, i am filled up. as i finally get to stare back at the 2500+ people who have been staring at me all night, i tell myself in my head that it doesn't matter that my hand is throbbing.
they don't need to know.
BAM. lightbulb.
ohmygod did i just completely figure out why i am the way i am?
"they don't need to know" could sum up most of my life. i constantly choose to worry about the well being of everyone around me and do my damnedest not to ever be a problem for anyone ever. well, no wonder! i literally grew up on stage where i learned very early that it does not matter what you feel like, those people paid to be here and you will do your job, thank you very much. even when it wasn't a job and was just something fun that took up my nights and weekends. like a cell phone plan with an attitude problem and coffee pushing habits. i am continuously referred to as being a "trooper" and it's commonly known that if i bring something up or mention being in pain of some sort that it's probably the type of thing most people would be heading to the hospital over. one of the favored stories from this tour is how, as i was passing out in serious pain and the room around me was going black, i did not choose to call any of my friends but instead, text them so as to not disturb anyone incase they were sleeping. let me reiterate: i was on the ground, nearly unconscious and in severe pain and did not want to bother anyone. i honestly don't think i realized how dumb that was until just now, typing it.
i can say with certainty, i have a big problem with compulsive complainers and an even greater fear of ever looking as though i may be a whiner. i have the old school performer mindset of just sucking it up and working through whatever hurts. it will pass. however, maybe the fact that i've been parading around in front of thousands of people whom i deem to be more important than me and my own personal needs simply because they've paid anywhere from 20 to 200 dollars to see me, may sort of have had it's effects on me.
one of my greatest lessons this year was learning that it's not only important but crucial to pick myself over others. i used to think this was being selfish when in fact, it's being smart. it's the only was to be. of course i do not mean this in extremes. oh, sorry starving child, i must pick myself over you. no. clearly not. instead i mean saying no to going out when you would rather stay in or turning off your cell phone when you just need some time to be alone or get work done or heading out in a different direction than others because you know you can't eat where they're going and darn it, you just can't pull together a meal made up of side dishes any longer. taking care of yourself.
when push comes to shove, the audience IS the most important part of the equation. they pay to see us, we sell out houses, we all make money. but if i break it down even further i can see that if i am not well or am hurt and can not do the show, the audience isn't getting what they paid to see. what if everyone in my show didn't take care of themselves? we would fall apart! maybe not even be able to do the show. and then what?
i'm quite proud of my ability to get through virtually anything and even prouder at how serious i take what i do for a living and how much i honestly love the human beings in the audience and the show i get to be a part of every night. but maybe it's okay to take myself into consideration, too. maybe it's okay to keep putting myself first even when it's not in the designated zone that i've carved out for myself. maybe there can't be a zone but instead, an all the time type of thing. i think i would still be a good actor. actually, i think i'd probably be a better one.
i'm so baffled by this. i feel like i just figured out the last 13 years of my life.
gotta go think about this and/or not think about this.
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