good great grand amazing

it is GOOD

when a producer stops as he's walking toward you

shakes his fingers at you and looks as though he's trying really hard to remember something

(in most cases he will be trying to remember your name..)

and then announces that he was just thinking of you when discussing a new show.

it won't be for a year or so, he says.

"but i thought of you right away."

it is EVEN BETTER

when your friend and cast mate

who plays your 8 year old sister

somehow manages to get her bra

(which she was not wearing because we have specific ones for the show)

which happens to be black and lacy

attached to the back of her skirt and does an ENTIRE SCENE

in front of several thousand people

with it hanging off of the back of her.

yep, last night was all around amazing.

<3

it's time for a..

Grateful List!

this is my favorite activity ever!

okay, let's see...

i am GRATEFUL:

1. that i have the freedom to make choices

and then actually make those choices as opposed to becoming indecisive or stagnant.

2. that i'm living my dream every single day

and am in love with my "job".

3. that i have a healthy, strong, sexy body.

4. that i can communicate what i want and what i need.

5. that i will be able to grocery shop and cook in less than a week's time!

6. that i don't waste my time and i don't waste anyone else's time.

7. for my future dog(s) even though i haven't met them yet.

8. that i have the ability to learn whatever i decide i want to try.

9. that i have kind, strong, supportive women in my life.

10. that so many new adventures are on their way to me.

i swear making lists of things i'm grateful for makes my heart fill up and guarantees a great day. it's sort of impossible to focus on anything negative when you count your blessings.

try it <3

what are you grateful for?!

made this at work tonight

a case of the sixes

i am constantly overwhelmed with surprise

at how incredibly quickly i turn into a child

once i'm at work.

(okay, sometimes, a lot of the other time, too.)

the show started at 1 and by 1:05 i was sprawled out on the floor,

kicking my legs and yelling about how i was NOT going on stage

and NO you can NOT make me!

and sporadically giggling in between

because it was just so darn funny to me.

hannah played along, too

and started yelling back how she would drag me on stage by my apron

and i was gonna go whether i liked it or not.

(our poor dressers must really think we're crazy. or six.)

this is when i got the brilliant idea

that i will dress as a child star for next halloween

and just wear regular clothes,

big sunglasses and hold a starbucks cup

and yell a lot and make wild demands.

BRILLIANT, yes? YES.

i also tend to wear a piece of my costume backward

so it resembles a cape (i love capes almost as much as tiaras)

and tear through the hallways

and telling people i am Super Shprintze

or a QUEEN and in that case, i have hannah hold my cape for me.

naturally. queens always have cape holders.

some people aren't in touch with their inner child at all

mine just isn't inner at all.

hmm..maybe THIS is why i never have a boyfriend?

;o)

and, now

the calmness of my heart and mind clearing

(that i have to patiently wait for every time)

just happened this morning.

and now, i remember.

the only choice is love,

we are all so connected

and the little things that affect us

don't matter as much as we let them.

so i will let them go.

today is gonna be so good

i can hardly wait :o)

a love letter to my job

i'm not sure if you know,

but my job is very different than your job.

my job is the only workplace where:

1. my co-workers and i spend all of our time together outside of our work environment.

2. we live together, eat together, sleep together, travel together and play together.

3. we do not have any other important people around like friends or family.

4. we have worked together across the country and throughout canada.

5. we see each other naked. all the time. it's actually part of our job to change our clothing in front of one another and we even have other people who are hired to help us.

6. we have conversations with our co-workers while they are in the shower or on the toilet.

7. we know the details of who is sleeping with who, who is mad at who, who caused the current biggest drama, who is sick and with what and what bodily functions they have going on.

8. we celebrate birthdays and holidays with each other.

9. we speak in a strange language with words like "EPA's" and "ECC's".

10. it actually DOES matter what you look like, sound like, move like and how old you are.

11. we spend half our time pretending to be other people.

12. we are all somewhat selfish by nature and are completely okay with it.

13. our career goals, to an extent, are more important than almost everything else.

14. we can wear absolutely anything we want to our work place. anything.

15. we are very often given free food and free alcohol in exchange for spending time with strangers.

16. we did not choose our career, it chose us. and for most of us, it chose us at a very young age.

17. thousands of people pay money to watch us work.

18. our work day usually starts around 7 pm and ends around 11 pm give or take 30 minutes.

19. waking up early means being up by 10 am.

20. saturdays and sundays are our busiest work days of the week. monday is a breeze.

it's a strange existance

and i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

not for stability, not for "normalcy", not for the comfort in knowing where your next paycheck will come from, not for all the things we miss being away from home, not for the people we lose because they can't understand our work and not for an easier lifestyle.

after about 13 years of being in theatre and

after 18 months of doing the same show 8 times a week,

i still get the biggest rush and the fullest heart

from performing.

my first true love.

rocking out in 1905

today is one of those days where i'd rather not listen to fiddler on the roof.

unfortunately, that's the show i'm currently in so i don't really have a choice.

so on days like this, when i am ready to never hear the soundtrack again,

i bust out my little secret weapon:

headphones.

and everything is totally cool :o)

[can people at regular jobs do this?

can you guys just bust out headphones and put them on?

or would that be a big no-no?

regular jobs fascinate me!]

i am grateful for little distractions.

xo

p.s. isn't this little girl the cutest ever?!

i may be in love with letterpress

this past weekend i went here:

it was swell. it was more than swell.

i had to practice not yelping and jumping around a lot but i did twirl a little bit as twirling is almost always completely necessary and acceptable.

this little shindig also gave me a great opportunity to use some self-control

because i wanted to buy almost everything i saw.

for serious.

so instead, now i am just sitting around looking at the websites

of basically every designer that was there.

a lot of the booths provided really good gift inspiration and i currently

need to figure out gifts for, oh, around 72 people,

it was a great chance to get my mind moving.

now i just need to make a plan and place some orders.

did everyone know this craft fair existed except me?

going to this also gave me a chance to finally play in williamsburg

which i have only been dying to do forever.

i had my very own williamsburg friendly guide to show me around

and he did a darn good job if i do say so myself.

anybody who will drag you up onto a roof and make you climb through wires

to show you a beautiful view of the city below is alright with me.

in other news, i only have three weeks left of my tour.

i feel like it was only last week that i finally fell in love with touring.

my sense of time is completely warped.

i was trying to figure out when i got my iphone and thought

it was about 6 months when really it was a full year ago.

your brain changes on tour, i swear.

this is really a greatgrandgood thing

but sometimes it makes it harder to relate to non-touring people

and function in "regular" society

(i.e. what do you mean no one will just clean my room for me?)

and i have certainly seen the affects it has taken on certain people as of late.

however, i love it so much and if me being on tour is too much for a person

then that person is just too much for me.

so tomorrow i head to toronto

and cleveland next week for a two weeker

and then.. then it's back to new york

and on to new adventures.

xo

inside the brain of an actor

i had what i believe Miss Winfrey calls an "a-ha" moment tonight.

as i stood offstage in the wings, just barely out of sight from the audience, i examined my taped up fingers and tried, yet again, to convince myself that they looked totally normal, that nothing was wrong.

and then - music, curtain up, ensemble go, ensemble bow, russians go, russians bow - i'm flying back on to the stage with a fellow cast member gripping my right hand, unaware that a different cast member had accidentally gone flying through a door as i was heading in it and that my hand happened to be sacrificed in order to protect my face.

i get to center stage, the smile is broad and bright, we bow, the rush happens, i am filled up. as i finally get to stare back at the 2500+ people who have been staring at me all night, i tell myself in my head that it doesn't matter that my hand is throbbing.

they don't need to know.

BAM. lightbulb.

ohmygod did i just completely figure out why i am the way i am?

"they don't need to know" could sum up most of my life. i constantly choose to worry about the well being of everyone around me and do my damnedest not to ever be a problem for anyone ever. well, no wonder! i literally grew up on stage where i learned very early that it does not matter what you feel like, those people paid to be here and you will do your job, thank you very much. even when it wasn't a job and was just something fun that took up my nights and weekends. like a cell phone plan with an attitude problem and coffee pushing habits. i am continuously referred to as being a "trooper" and it's commonly known that if i bring something up or mention being in pain of some sort that it's probably the type of thing most people would be heading to the hospital over. one of the favored stories from this tour is how, as i was passing out in serious pain and the room around me was going black, i did not choose to call any of my friends but instead, text them so as to not disturb anyone incase they were sleeping. let me reiterate: i was on the ground, nearly unconscious and in severe pain and did not want to bother anyone. i honestly don't think i realized how dumb that was until just now, typing it.

i can say with certainty, i have a big problem with compulsive complainers and an even greater fear of ever looking as though i may be a whiner. i have the old school performer mindset of just sucking it up and working through whatever hurts. it will pass. however, maybe the fact that i've been parading around in front of thousands of people whom i deem to be more important than me and my own personal needs simply because they've paid anywhere from 20 to 200 dollars to see me, may sort of have had it's effects on me.

one of my greatest lessons this year was learning that it's not only important but crucial to pick myself over others. i used to think this was being selfish when in fact, it's being smart. it's the only was to be. of course i do not mean this in extremes. oh, sorry starving child, i must pick myself over you. no. clearly not. instead i mean saying no to going out when you would rather stay in or turning off your cell phone when you just need some time to be alone or get work done or heading out in a different direction than others because you know you can't eat where they're going and darn it, you just can't pull together a meal made up of side dishes any longer. taking care of yourself.

when push comes to shove, the audience IS the most important part of the equation. they pay to see us, we sell out houses, we all make money. but if i break it down even further i can see that if i am not well or am hurt and can not do the show, the audience isn't getting what they paid to see. what if everyone in my show didn't take care of themselves? we would fall apart! maybe not even be able to do the show. and then what?

i'm quite proud of my ability to get through virtually anything and even prouder at how serious i take what i do for a living and how much i honestly love the human beings in the audience and the show i get to be a part of every night. but maybe it's okay to take myself into consideration, too. maybe it's okay to keep putting myself first even when it's not in the designated zone that i've carved out for myself. maybe there can't be a zone but instead, an all the time type of thing. i think i would still be a good actor. actually, i think i'd probably be a better one.

i'm so baffled by this. i feel like i just figured out the last 13 years of my life.

gotta go think about this and/or not think about this.

57 degrees is my winter.

he stopped suddenly in the middle of the street,

eyed my layers and laughed.

“you must be from florida or somethin’.”

i smiled.

“well, i’m definitely not from here.”

Appleton, Wisconsin ..

.. provides very little to do.

so i've been inside almost the entire day

(i snuck out just once to walk the two blocks to starbucks)

and have been relaxing and catching up on internetish stuff.

i literally can't remember the last time i had a day like this.

as it turns out, there is always a silver lining.

always.

where are you? what are you doing?

i like to play a good game of "if i were in.." now and again

where i try to figure out what i'd be doing in some of my favorite places.

as in, if i were in LA..

i would be sitting outside in the sun, drinking some tea

and reading a book.

or sitting in traffic with music blasting driving back

from what would absolutely have been a fantastic audition.

(this is my fantasy, i can say those things).

or, if i were in NYC..

i would have finished auditions for the day

and met friends in the park to lay on various items

because we never remember a blanket

and try not to talk about the business

but end up talking about the business.

we would frolic around town, the neighborhoods changing

and the friends changing but the happiness staying the same.

if i were in NJ..

i would be forcing melynda to go on a walk

and we would go get Rita's ice and sit outside and talk.

definitely not about the business.

we would plan our futures and discuss the past.

if it were cold, i would hide on my couch with my blankets

and wait for my mom to come home to play scrabble.

she would probably win.

but, alas, i am in appleton.

in my hotel room

watching my roommate type away and sporadically burst out in laughter

and listening to my accordionist and violinist practice together next door,

creating music that people pay large amounts of money to hear live.

little known fact: musicians practice wayyyy more than actors. and singers.

combined.

time to head out into the world.

let's see what ya got, appleton.

history lessons

don't tell NYC or LA but...

i kind of LOVE DC!

from Sticky Fingers Bakery (a very serious YUM.)

to Busyboys & Poets (yum again!)

to all the FREE museums and historical monuments

to the beautiful tree lined streets with townhouses painted bright colors

DC offered a more peaceful version of my beloved new york!

i can honestly see why people move there.

my two very bestest friends came to visit and one of them

completely fell in love with the city

(i can see her moving there, too!)

it just kind of makes you want to buy a bike and live in the district.

the National Theatre where we performed

i want the blue one!

opening night party

hanging with some elephants at the natural history museum

xo

give!

while we were in Washington, DC

(post to follow!)

my cast and i put on our third BC/EFA benefit!

BC/EFA = Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS

which raises money for lots and lots of different important health organizations

including a women's clinic, research, the Actor's Fund, etc.

i've added some pics here but you can check out the write up here!

the night was so wonderful - it was a packed room filled with excited humans who were willing to shell out some cash and play along with our raffles and songs.

if you came, i like you a lot.

more on DC soon!

raising money and singing for a great crowd?

sign me up for that any day.

xo

right now ...

i am supposed to be in DC

getting ready for my next opening night

going to the gym and exploring a new city

where there are so many things to do, see, try, learn

and instead

i am stuck in bed.

in a whole lot of pain

waiting, waiting, waiting

for my sickies to go away.

this is not good.

you see, for me, being sick is a prison sentence.

everything i love to do requires me to be healthy.

yes, i know that no one likes to be sick and it causes everyone to miss work.

but for me, it's not about missing work. i love my work but it's more about not being able to sing, to move and dance and stretch, to sit up long enough to read and write and create. to work on all the projects i have in my head and on my computer and in my life.

also, i'm terribly dramatic and make a big deal out of everything

but really, being sick is literally the worst thing that occurs in my life.

(maybe this should be a reminder of how lucky i am..)

anybody have a good recipe for vegan chicken noodle soup?

there have been numerous times today where i was smacked in the face with how unbelievably blessed i am and how completely and entirely grateful i am.

for this tour, for these people, for this time, for this adventure, for this certainty, for these lessons, for these words, for this love, for this day, for this second.

i am so grateful.

i felt like i had to write this after so much awareness today. i couldn't ignore it.

i am grateful for you reading this.

i am blessed to be able to write it.

spread love.

the way i see things

go west.

(then come back east. then go west again. and repeat.)

photo: San Francisco, CA. February, 2010.

and i feel better.

sometimes when i look at other people's pictures i think how i would like to have every type of camera possible. how i wish i had a fancier one than i do while i've been traveling this past year.

but then i think how lucky i am to have any camera at all. i remember that i'm not always super good at bringing it with me or taking photographs (other than in my mind) because i'm usually to busy, distracted, lazy or embarrassed to take it out. i don't think i deserve a fancypants big girl camera if i can't even fully appreciate the one i have. i think about how i have hundreds of pictures from more places than most people will ever get to see.

and i feel better.

sometimes when i read other people's blogs i think how i would like to be more consistent with posts and how neat it would be if lots of people flocked to my blog.

but then i think how lucky i am to be able to blog at all. to have the luxury of free time and the gift of being able to write and express myself. the freedom to do so. i think of how no matter how infrequently i write or how self-indulgent or terrible it may be, my mother will always read it. i'll always have at least one reader in the form of my biggest fan.

and i feel better.

sometimes when i'm out on tour i get so sad that i'm not home and with the people i love and care about. i get sad that i can't maintain a normal relationship and have sacrificed more things than i ever thought i would. i start to get anxious and fearful.

but then i remember i am living my dream. i have made it to a place in this business that too few people see at an age that is going to allow me to keep moving forward. i think about how someone is paying for me to see the entire country and how i have learned who is really important in my life and who will be patiently waiting for when i return. how i'm finally starting to figure out what love means. how i know all i need is to take a deep breath.

and i feel better.

the eighteenth of february in 2010

Today began with the type of morning where it felt like a toilet was exploding all over my life. Or at least my bathroom. This is mainly because my toilet exploded all over my bathroom.

I decided to push the re-start button and headed out to explore parts of San Francisco that I haven't seen yet since I'm leaving here in just a few days.

I found my legs walking me to the Grace Cathedral where my boots made entirely too much noise and I worried what everyone around me was thinking. I worried that I was ruining their peaceful visit. I worried that I shouldn't be taking pictures and would be kicked out. I saw how the other people there were taking pictures with flash and wearing running sneakers and have spent a large enough chunk of my life in New York City to instantly know they were tourists and felt a little better about my noisy shoes and non-flash picture taking. I reminded myself that probably no one was thinking anything about me since they came to see the Cathedral and not me but still had a few oh-god-there's-people-looking-at-me moments as I slid into a pew. Strange thoughts for an actress to have. Uncomfortable at the thought of people looking, watching, staring at her and yet this is how it is.

I closed my eyes and I thought and I prayed and I felt and I heard and I stopped wondering if anyone else was looking at me. I was the calmest I have been in weeks. Months. I haven't decided yet as to whether I'm taking this as a sign or not. I stayed for a while, longer than I meant to but I didn't mind. I reminded myself that the best days are usually the type where I let the day happen to me instead of the other way around.

I walked out of the Cathedral and I didn't make a donation and I felt awful. Terrible. I felt like I could write volumes on The Catholic Guilt. I forgot about it the second I got outside. I walked down the stairs and up the street and down the hill and up the hill and my iPhone tried to tell me to go one way but I went a different way and I was right and it was wrong and I felt glad that I can function without technology when I have to and/or when it is just being dumb. I ended up in City Lights Books and the lady at the front desk told me to leave my coffee at the entrance and I almost told her it wasn't coffee but I didn't. I started to go downstairs but turned around and went the other way and felt like everyone was watching me and I wanted to act natural, like I've been there a million times, like this is an ordinary day in my ordinary San Franciscan life but I was pretty sure everyone could tell I wasn't a local. I was also pretty sure no one was looking at me or contemplating if I was a local. This did not stop me from thinking it immediately but before long I did stop and became immersed in this bookshop filled with books that I have never seen in a Barnes & Noble. I climbed the stairs to the third floor and scanned through almost every title in the poetry section and wished that I read more poetry and made a mental note to start. I found Rilke's Letters To A Young Poet and I picked a copy up for Kaitlin partially because I love her and partially because I want my copy back. I went back downstairs and watched a girl pick up The Architechture of Happiness and call out to her friend that this was the book from (500) Days of Summer, remember? He remembered. She posed with the book for a picture as though she had just bumped into an actor from the film and when she put the book back without even reading the back cover or skimming a random page, I felt sad. I wanted her to buy the book and read it so it was no longer that book from that movie. I wanted myself to have actually finished reading it and I add it to my list underneath "read more poetry". I think about buying a copy but I don't. I go downstairs and understand why my legs started walking this way upon my initial arrival at the store when I see that this is where the books on Theatre and Film and Philosophy and Women's Studies are. My legs are always right. I try to look through the Theatre section but there are two boys hogging all the beautiful plays and one of them is very tall and I don't like to be next to tall people for too long so I turn around and begin with Film. I pretend that I don't see them checking me out. I like that I am someone who gets checked out. I hate that I am someone who gets checked out. They probably think I'm they're age. They probably think I'm younger. I grabbed the first book that got my attention, a small, red, squarish book about Independent Films. I began to wonder if maybe I'll see it listed in the table of contents but, no, it wasn't there. I put the book down and noticed a different cover on the one behind it. A second edition created four years after the first. I opened to the table of contents and I knew what I was going to see and even while knowing, I still took a sharp, deep breath in when I saw your name listed. I felt like I was punched in the gut but only for a second. It passed. It always passes. The punch turned to pride and the pride turned to proud and I did a little cheer in my head without meaning to. I will always feel proud. I carried the book around with me while I finished looking around but only because I didn't want to let go, not because I planned to buy it. Later on in the day I will consider going back tomorrow to buy it. I purchase the Rilke and I feel sad to leave all of the other books behind. I want to bring them all home with me and I wonder if it's strange to feel sad to leave books.

I head toward The Beat Museum and I go in and ask the man behind the desk how long do I need to really enjoy the museum and he says at minimum forty five minutes and I maybe have thirty since I left all of my minutes behind with the books. We end up talking for awhile and I'm surprised at how refreshing he is. I don't think about your name in the small, red, squarish book. I see the poster that the person who is not you purchased last week and I instantly feel bad for standing in the same room, talking and slightly flirting with the man who probably rung up the poster. I wonder if it was in this room that he realized he loved me or if it was later, on the piers. I decide it was later. The man behind the counter and I get to the part where we wonder if we should keep in touch and I mention facebook because it is safe and he says that he doesn't have a facebook. I am stunned and entirely too excited. He doesn't have a facebook. I want to be friends with this man. I tell him he has made my day and I leave and realize that I have an appointment twenty minutes away from a place I am thirty minutes away from. I get a cab and make it to my massage at three-thirty on the dot but the Do Not Disturb sign is on the door and so I pace around outside deciding whether or not to knock until I hear the masseuse rummaging around and realize he is waiting for me. I began to think of you about three-fourth's of the way through but only because of that stupid small, red, squarish book that I now sort of hate. I fight to get the thoughts out and concentrate on the hands that are clearly a gift from God. I wonder how many years I'll have to wait until I can hire this man to give me a massage every week. Afterwards, I am more than aware that he is flirting with me. Slightly and slowly but flirting all the same. I try to stick with my new vow and I don't flirt back except for maybe-just-a-little but way less than I ever would have before I decided to stop.

Later on I will watch a movie that I'll want to text you about. I'll text someone else instead. I'll climb into my bed and write this entry and have you on my mind all the while aware of the pillowcase that still smells like him. I'll start to analyze but I'll stop myself. I'll switch back and forth between tenses but leave it like that anyway. I'll remember that this entry was about my day but turned into being about you. I'll finish writing and debate whether or not to post a link to this on tumblr. I'll wonder what you and he and she and they will think. I'll exhaust myself before I can decide and put it off for the moment. My phone will light up with texts from people who aren't you and I will panic when I see that it is three-thirty in the morning and I will make myself go to bed and tell myself that there is always tomorrow. There is always tomorrow.

As I mentioned before, my momma and my sister came to visit me in San Fran.

We played tourist for the day (mainly cause we are, uh, tourists..)

and rode around on one of those giant red buses with the open top from place to place.

We stopped and visited the Japanese Tea gardens, went across the Golden Gate bridge and then back over it much to my mother's delight, explored Fillmore St where we had that delicious lunch at the plant organic cafe, saw places like City Hall and various museums and, drumroll please, went to Alamo Square park where six gorgeous victorian homes line one rather famous street.

To most normal people, they are known as the Painted Ladies.

To my family, they are known as the houses from the Full House theme song.

This is basically my sister's mecca. The place she had aimed to see her whole life.

(well, that AND the actual house they used for exterior shots but we won't bring that up. oh and it's 1709 Broderick Street for all those out there wondering and/or googling it for an hour whilst sitting in Alamo Square park. oh. just us?)

Mockery aside, the houses were beautiful and it was neat to see them in person.

I never actually feel like a tourist despite the fact that I am constantly a tourist since I don't live in any of the cities that I "live" in (did ya follow that?) but I have a really fast ability to adjust to new places. However, once in awhile it is great fun to run around with maps in your hand and looking lost and confused and excited all at once and ask for directions from strangers who will absolutely roll their eyes once you walk away. Plus, it's always nice to have people come visit you. Life on the road is really tough sometimes and once in awhile I need to see a familiar face or I think I may not make it.

Here are some shots from their time here. Happy exploring to you, wherever it is you are. xo.

mom and amy at Alamo Square/Painted Ladies/Full House theme song.

Momma and a statue of Beethoven.

Me in front of the Painted Ladies.

aka: a new facebook profile picture.

the Golden Gate bridge!

hello from san francisco

this week has been super exciting for me for various reasons.

first, i finally uploaded my brand spankin' new website that i designed myself (!)

feel free to check it out at www.kerryalexander.com

there are DEFINITELY still things to work out, little kinks here and there.

plus, now when you google my name, my old site comes up with links to nowheresville. eek.

(not that i would, uh, ever google my name. ever. it was just to test the site...)

if you DO check it out, please let me know what you think!

second, my momma and sister came to visit!

(more on this in a later post.)

this is simultaneously exciting and annoying.

(more on this, too. later.)

however, today we were quite the tourists and ended up eating lunch at a random place

which i now love very much. so much that i told my friends on tour we are going back asap. so much that i may have eaten a bowl of soup, a salad and half a sandwhich.

and brought home some yummy vegan cupcakes.

the reason i loved this place so much was because there were options for

e v e r y o n e

and not in that silly way that most places say there are.

this honestly had food for vegans, vegetarians, meat eaters, gluten free folks and so on.

when a restaurant is aware that not everyone can eat in the same way, they get a big thumbs up from me. california seems to have that idea down.

so if you find yourself in san francisco anytime soon, check out

the plant cafe organic

your taste buds will thank me :o)

xox