good great grand amazing

it is GOOD

when a producer stops as he's walking toward you

shakes his fingers at you and looks as though he's trying really hard to remember something

(in most cases he will be trying to remember your name..)

and then announces that he was just thinking of you when discussing a new show.

it won't be for a year or so, he says.

"but i thought of you right away."

it is EVEN BETTER

when your friend and cast mate

who plays your 8 year old sister

somehow manages to get her bra

(which she was not wearing because we have specific ones for the show)

which happens to be black and lacy

attached to the back of her skirt and does an ENTIRE SCENE

in front of several thousand people

with it hanging off of the back of her.

yep, last night was all around amazing.

<3

it's time for a..

Grateful List!

this is my favorite activity ever!

okay, let's see...

i am GRATEFUL:

1. that i have the freedom to make choices

and then actually make those choices as opposed to becoming indecisive or stagnant.

2. that i'm living my dream every single day

and am in love with my "job".

3. that i have a healthy, strong, sexy body.

4. that i can communicate what i want and what i need.

5. that i will be able to grocery shop and cook in less than a week's time!

6. that i don't waste my time and i don't waste anyone else's time.

7. for my future dog(s) even though i haven't met them yet.

8. that i have the ability to learn whatever i decide i want to try.

9. that i have kind, strong, supportive women in my life.

10. that so many new adventures are on their way to me.

i swear making lists of things i'm grateful for makes my heart fill up and guarantees a great day. it's sort of impossible to focus on anything negative when you count your blessings.

try it <3

what are you grateful for?!

made this at work tonight

a case of the sixes

i am constantly overwhelmed with surprise

at how incredibly quickly i turn into a child

once i'm at work.

(okay, sometimes, a lot of the other time, too.)

the show started at 1 and by 1:05 i was sprawled out on the floor,

kicking my legs and yelling about how i was NOT going on stage

and NO you can NOT make me!

and sporadically giggling in between

because it was just so darn funny to me.

hannah played along, too

and started yelling back how she would drag me on stage by my apron

and i was gonna go whether i liked it or not.

(our poor dressers must really think we're crazy. or six.)

this is when i got the brilliant idea

that i will dress as a child star for next halloween

and just wear regular clothes,

big sunglasses and hold a starbucks cup

and yell a lot and make wild demands.

BRILLIANT, yes? YES.

i also tend to wear a piece of my costume backward

so it resembles a cape (i love capes almost as much as tiaras)

and tear through the hallways

and telling people i am Super Shprintze

or a QUEEN and in that case, i have hannah hold my cape for me.

naturally. queens always have cape holders.

some people aren't in touch with their inner child at all

mine just isn't inner at all.

hmm..maybe THIS is why i never have a boyfriend?

;o)

and, now

the calmness of my heart and mind clearing

(that i have to patiently wait for every time)

just happened this morning.

and now, i remember.

the only choice is love,

we are all so connected

and the little things that affect us

don't matter as much as we let them.

so i will let them go.

today is gonna be so good

i can hardly wait :o)

oh, hey part 2

i know.

you're confused.

you're generally the stupidest person i know

(when it comes to these things)

so maybe this can help:

i'm sitting here

post-party

feeling just awful

when my life is so amazing

i think people would sell their first child

just to trade me.

i shouldn't feel awful.

and generally, i don't.

but tonight was really rough

so naturally i want to pick up the phone and call you

and tell you about it

and hear your stupid voice on the other end of the line

so that i'm guaranteed to feel better

even if the world is literally falling apart.

i said i wouldn't ever really need you

except once in awhile i would

and you said okay, you would be there when i need you.

and you wrapped yourself around me and we went to sleep

and i believed you.

and then you went and pulled the rug out from under my feet

and i'm pretty sure that now i wouldn't be able to find you even i tried to.

i think that you think you didn't do anything.

you may be slightly aware that something is wrong

but probably have no idea why i'm so upset or why i'm not talking to you.

you let me down so far that i have to find my way back up.

you played pretend when i wasn't playing pretend.

i do that for a living, i don't need to do that in my real life.

it may seem like nothing to you but it's everything to me

and it's enough that right now, i'm sitting here, wishing i could call

and i can't.

and because of that, i can't answer you or talk to you or be with you.

and i hate that more than you ever possibly could.

i hate feeling like this.

(but at least i'll go running entirely too much and look really good.

i mean, that's a definite bonus to my heart hurting.)

do you get it now?

oh, hey

note to all men:

when you take your girl for granted

and let her down big time

and, even worse, when you do it via email

the correct thing to do is definitely NOT

waiting two days and messaging said girl

with a random sentence.

don't bother trying to test the waters

to see just how bad things are.

the waters don't want you testing them.

the waters are doing just fine on their own.

you have to fight for what you want.

okay, great.

glad we had this little chat.

"never compromise yourself.

you are all you've got."

- Janis Joplin

a love letter to my job

i'm not sure if you know,

but my job is very different than your job.

my job is the only workplace where:

1. my co-workers and i spend all of our time together outside of our work environment.

2. we live together, eat together, sleep together, travel together and play together.

3. we do not have any other important people around like friends or family.

4. we have worked together across the country and throughout canada.

5. we see each other naked. all the time. it's actually part of our job to change our clothing in front of one another and we even have other people who are hired to help us.

6. we have conversations with our co-workers while they are in the shower or on the toilet.

7. we know the details of who is sleeping with who, who is mad at who, who caused the current biggest drama, who is sick and with what and what bodily functions they have going on.

8. we celebrate birthdays and holidays with each other.

9. we speak in a strange language with words like "EPA's" and "ECC's".

10. it actually DOES matter what you look like, sound like, move like and how old you are.

11. we spend half our time pretending to be other people.

12. we are all somewhat selfish by nature and are completely okay with it.

13. our career goals, to an extent, are more important than almost everything else.

14. we can wear absolutely anything we want to our work place. anything.

15. we are very often given free food and free alcohol in exchange for spending time with strangers.

16. we did not choose our career, it chose us. and for most of us, it chose us at a very young age.

17. thousands of people pay money to watch us work.

18. our work day usually starts around 7 pm and ends around 11 pm give or take 30 minutes.

19. waking up early means being up by 10 am.

20. saturdays and sundays are our busiest work days of the week. monday is a breeze.

it's a strange existance

and i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

not for stability, not for "normalcy", not for the comfort in knowing where your next paycheck will come from, not for all the things we miss being away from home, not for the people we lose because they can't understand our work and not for an easier lifestyle.

after about 13 years of being in theatre and

after 18 months of doing the same show 8 times a week,

i still get the biggest rush and the fullest heart

from performing.

my first true love.

rocking out in 1905

today is one of those days where i'd rather not listen to fiddler on the roof.

unfortunately, that's the show i'm currently in so i don't really have a choice.

so on days like this, when i am ready to never hear the soundtrack again,

i bust out my little secret weapon:

headphones.

and everything is totally cool :o)

[can people at regular jobs do this?

can you guys just bust out headphones and put them on?

or would that be a big no-no?

regular jobs fascinate me!]

i am grateful for little distractions.

xo

p.s. isn't this little girl the cutest ever?!

i may be in love with letterpress

this past weekend i went here:

it was swell. it was more than swell.

i had to practice not yelping and jumping around a lot but i did twirl a little bit as twirling is almost always completely necessary and acceptable.

this little shindig also gave me a great opportunity to use some self-control

because i wanted to buy almost everything i saw.

for serious.

so instead, now i am just sitting around looking at the websites

of basically every designer that was there.

a lot of the booths provided really good gift inspiration and i currently

need to figure out gifts for, oh, around 72 people,

it was a great chance to get my mind moving.

now i just need to make a plan and place some orders.

did everyone know this craft fair existed except me?

going to this also gave me a chance to finally play in williamsburg

which i have only been dying to do forever.

i had my very own williamsburg friendly guide to show me around

and he did a darn good job if i do say so myself.

anybody who will drag you up onto a roof and make you climb through wires

to show you a beautiful view of the city below is alright with me.

in other news, i only have three weeks left of my tour.

i feel like it was only last week that i finally fell in love with touring.

my sense of time is completely warped.

i was trying to figure out when i got my iphone and thought

it was about 6 months when really it was a full year ago.

your brain changes on tour, i swear.

this is really a greatgrandgood thing

but sometimes it makes it harder to relate to non-touring people

and function in "regular" society

(i.e. what do you mean no one will just clean my room for me?)

and i have certainly seen the affects it has taken on certain people as of late.

however, i love it so much and if me being on tour is too much for a person

then that person is just too much for me.

so tomorrow i head to toronto

and cleveland next week for a two weeker

and then.. then it's back to new york

and on to new adventures.

xo

i say..

[*ahem. i suggest reading the post below this first if you haven't already.]

fuck what they say.

be yourself.

be needy when you need to be needy.

be independent when you need to be independent.

let whatever happens in between, happen in between.

he will either keep up

or he won't be able to handle it.

and wouldn't you rather know if he can't handle you

from the start instead of at the finish line?

or, even worse, after the reception line?

my girlfriends and i talked tonight about acting like a "girlfriend".

what does it entail?

do all of the "girlfriends" we know share the same traits? (yes)

should one act a certain way because that leads to being treated like a girlfriend

and that leads to being in a relationship? (maybe)

should you ever act like anyone you aren't? (no!)

i am who i am,

i can't help it.

i happen to think i'm particularly

awesome

and am in high hopes

that he will be able to handle the awesomeness

and if not, that someone else will.

they say..

be independent.

be strong on your own.

learn how to take care of yourself

so you never have to rely on anyone.

men love strong, confident women.

but who cares what they think, be confident for yourself

(that will definitely get you a guy).

do what makes you happy,

don't make time to fit them in,

don't look busy, actually be busy.

don't let men pay

or lift things

or help you.

show them you don't need them.

(then they'll really need you!)

then they say

but let him do things for you once in awhile,

after all, a man needs to feel needed!

let him build you something or fix something.

those are manly tasks!

let him think he's totally in control.

maybe even let him help you figure something out

even if you already figured it out!

men need to feel like men

so you need to be a woman.

a woman should

be smart but not too smart,

be available but not too available,

be skinny but not too skinny,

be pretty but not too pretty,

be perfect.

just whatever you do, don't be needy!

heavens, no.

unless, of course, he needs you to need him.

in that case, be needy but just enough

that he doesn't get nervous.

because God forbid he find out the truth:

you do actually need him

but only sometimes.

being independent can be exhausting

and even when you're wildly busy

you still think of him the whole day.

on the day he crawled into your heart

you knew you were screwed

and no matter what, you can't get him out.

that yes, women have guys that are strictly hook-ups

but no, he is not one of them.

God forbid he find out that your life is really amazing

and still, you are happiest when with him.

no, ladies, no.

don't let him know.

he'll have nothing to chase

and men love a good chase.

simple, right?

inside the brain of an actor

i had what i believe Miss Winfrey calls an "a-ha" moment tonight.

as i stood offstage in the wings, just barely out of sight from the audience, i examined my taped up fingers and tried, yet again, to convince myself that they looked totally normal, that nothing was wrong.

and then - music, curtain up, ensemble go, ensemble bow, russians go, russians bow - i'm flying back on to the stage with a fellow cast member gripping my right hand, unaware that a different cast member had accidentally gone flying through a door as i was heading in it and that my hand happened to be sacrificed in order to protect my face.

i get to center stage, the smile is broad and bright, we bow, the rush happens, i am filled up. as i finally get to stare back at the 2500+ people who have been staring at me all night, i tell myself in my head that it doesn't matter that my hand is throbbing.

they don't need to know.

BAM. lightbulb.

ohmygod did i just completely figure out why i am the way i am?

"they don't need to know" could sum up most of my life. i constantly choose to worry about the well being of everyone around me and do my damnedest not to ever be a problem for anyone ever. well, no wonder! i literally grew up on stage where i learned very early that it does not matter what you feel like, those people paid to be here and you will do your job, thank you very much. even when it wasn't a job and was just something fun that took up my nights and weekends. like a cell phone plan with an attitude problem and coffee pushing habits. i am continuously referred to as being a "trooper" and it's commonly known that if i bring something up or mention being in pain of some sort that it's probably the type of thing most people would be heading to the hospital over. one of the favored stories from this tour is how, as i was passing out in serious pain and the room around me was going black, i did not choose to call any of my friends but instead, text them so as to not disturb anyone incase they were sleeping. let me reiterate: i was on the ground, nearly unconscious and in severe pain and did not want to bother anyone. i honestly don't think i realized how dumb that was until just now, typing it.

i can say with certainty, i have a big problem with compulsive complainers and an even greater fear of ever looking as though i may be a whiner. i have the old school performer mindset of just sucking it up and working through whatever hurts. it will pass. however, maybe the fact that i've been parading around in front of thousands of people whom i deem to be more important than me and my own personal needs simply because they've paid anywhere from 20 to 200 dollars to see me, may sort of have had it's effects on me.

one of my greatest lessons this year was learning that it's not only important but crucial to pick myself over others. i used to think this was being selfish when in fact, it's being smart. it's the only was to be. of course i do not mean this in extremes. oh, sorry starving child, i must pick myself over you. no. clearly not. instead i mean saying no to going out when you would rather stay in or turning off your cell phone when you just need some time to be alone or get work done or heading out in a different direction than others because you know you can't eat where they're going and darn it, you just can't pull together a meal made up of side dishes any longer. taking care of yourself.

when push comes to shove, the audience IS the most important part of the equation. they pay to see us, we sell out houses, we all make money. but if i break it down even further i can see that if i am not well or am hurt and can not do the show, the audience isn't getting what they paid to see. what if everyone in my show didn't take care of themselves? we would fall apart! maybe not even be able to do the show. and then what?

i'm quite proud of my ability to get through virtually anything and even prouder at how serious i take what i do for a living and how much i honestly love the human beings in the audience and the show i get to be a part of every night. but maybe it's okay to take myself into consideration, too. maybe it's okay to keep putting myself first even when it's not in the designated zone that i've carved out for myself. maybe there can't be a zone but instead, an all the time type of thing. i think i would still be a good actor. actually, i think i'd probably be a better one.

i'm so baffled by this. i feel like i just figured out the last 13 years of my life.

gotta go think about this and/or not think about this.

57 degrees is my winter.

he stopped suddenly in the middle of the street,

eyed my layers and laughed.

“you must be from florida or somethin’.”

i smiled.

“well, i’m definitely not from here.”

Appleton, Wisconsin ..

.. provides very little to do.

so i've been inside almost the entire day

(i snuck out just once to walk the two blocks to starbucks)

and have been relaxing and catching up on internetish stuff.

i literally can't remember the last time i had a day like this.

as it turns out, there is always a silver lining.

always.

where are you? what are you doing?

i like to play a good game of "if i were in.." now and again

where i try to figure out what i'd be doing in some of my favorite places.

as in, if i were in LA..

i would be sitting outside in the sun, drinking some tea

and reading a book.

or sitting in traffic with music blasting driving back

from what would absolutely have been a fantastic audition.

(this is my fantasy, i can say those things).

or, if i were in NYC..

i would have finished auditions for the day

and met friends in the park to lay on various items

because we never remember a blanket

and try not to talk about the business

but end up talking about the business.

we would frolic around town, the neighborhoods changing

and the friends changing but the happiness staying the same.

if i were in NJ..

i would be forcing melynda to go on a walk

and we would go get Rita's ice and sit outside and talk.

definitely not about the business.

we would plan our futures and discuss the past.

if it were cold, i would hide on my couch with my blankets

and wait for my mom to come home to play scrabble.

she would probably win.

but, alas, i am in appleton.

in my hotel room

watching my roommate type away and sporadically burst out in laughter

and listening to my accordionist and violinist practice together next door,

creating music that people pay large amounts of money to hear live.

little known fact: musicians practice wayyyy more than actors. and singers.

combined.

time to head out into the world.

let's see what ya got, appleton.

history lessons

don't tell NYC or LA but...

i kind of LOVE DC!

from Sticky Fingers Bakery (a very serious YUM.)

to Busyboys & Poets (yum again!)

to all the FREE museums and historical monuments

to the beautiful tree lined streets with townhouses painted bright colors

DC offered a more peaceful version of my beloved new york!

i can honestly see why people move there.

my two very bestest friends came to visit and one of them

completely fell in love with the city

(i can see her moving there, too!)

it just kind of makes you want to buy a bike and live in the district.

the National Theatre where we performed

i want the blue one!

opening night party

hanging with some elephants at the natural history museum

xo

give!

while we were in Washington, DC

(post to follow!)

my cast and i put on our third BC/EFA benefit!

BC/EFA = Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS

which raises money for lots and lots of different important health organizations

including a women's clinic, research, the Actor's Fund, etc.

i've added some pics here but you can check out the write up here!

the night was so wonderful - it was a packed room filled with excited humans who were willing to shell out some cash and play along with our raffles and songs.

if you came, i like you a lot.

more on DC soon!

raising money and singing for a great crowd?

sign me up for that any day.

xo

making my own silver lining

i have been feeling particularly bad for myself over the past few days.

it is my belief that feeling bad for one's self does not help any situation.

in fact, i truly believe that it only makes things worse.

so, in the spirit of healing and happiness, i submit to you, dear readers:

my grateful list

1. my mom

(who has been taking super good care of me even when i'm cranky).

2. extra time away from performing reminds me how much i love + need it.

3. amazing friends

(who have been sending well wishes full of love).

4. not getting what i want

(because it makes me work even harder).

5. other people's blogs who keep me company during days like these

(like this one + this one + this one).

6. creativity! + good ideas

(which keeps my mind moving even when i want it to be still).

7. NYC, LA, Austin, NJ

(+ the other beautiful and interesting places i've been this year).

8. adventures + future adventures.

9. pretend designing my future homes.

10. the ability to learn new skills

(+ crossing things off my to-do list).

i feel better already :o)

what are you grateful for today?

xox

right now ...

i am supposed to be in DC

getting ready for my next opening night

going to the gym and exploring a new city

where there are so many things to do, see, try, learn

and instead

i am stuck in bed.

in a whole lot of pain

waiting, waiting, waiting

for my sickies to go away.

this is not good.

you see, for me, being sick is a prison sentence.

everything i love to do requires me to be healthy.

yes, i know that no one likes to be sick and it causes everyone to miss work.

but for me, it's not about missing work. i love my work but it's more about not being able to sing, to move and dance and stretch, to sit up long enough to read and write and create. to work on all the projects i have in my head and on my computer and in my life.

also, i'm terribly dramatic and make a big deal out of everything

but really, being sick is literally the worst thing that occurs in my life.

(maybe this should be a reminder of how lucky i am..)

anybody have a good recipe for vegan chicken noodle soup?

did you know ...

... this Thursday, April 8th, 2010 is One Day Without Shoes?

TOMSshoes (which i love, love, love!)

has declared this Thursday a day to rid your feet of shoes and spend a day learning what it's like to be without shoes. they've recruited many a celebrity to make videos to promote the day and have set up events all around the country (world?) where folks can get together and support each other and their barefootedness.

check out www.onedaywithoutshoes.com

for more info and for nifty little banners like the ones i've got posted here.

you can even replace your current facebook/twitter/tumblr/blogger/etc icons

with the stickers and banners and so forth that are found in the toolkit.

i changed my facebook and my twitter!

see, all the cool kids are doing it!

and these kids over at TOMS are no dummys

(they are the opposite)

and know that lots of people can't go shoeless all day

and so they covered that little issue with this logo:

cause sometimes it's not about doing everything

it's just about doing something.

spread the word

BUY TOMS

(vegan!!)

and spend a minute, hour or day learning what it's like

to walk in somebody else's (non-existent) shoes.

give. give, give, give.

xox

and we're back!

... from FLORIDA!

we had a grand time, relaxing on the beach, trying to catch some shade sometimes and basking in the glory of the sun for most of the time. the first day it rained like crazy but we didn't mind. this gave us lots of calm, down time to nap and read in the afternoon followed by a nice evening stroll (read: 3 mile walk - sorry mom!) to a yummy restaurant.

the second day was absolutely gorgeous! we were on the beach by 10 (after a super long wait in the hotel starbucks) and didn't move until 2 for a quick lunch of edamame and hummus and then back to the beach and then headed up to the pool at 430 where we stayed until 6. that night we headed to SUBLIME which was the BEST VEGAN food i have ever eaten. yes, i am yelling IN CAPS because it was that good. i can't even explain. it's getting it's own post.

the third day was another long round at the beach followed by a few hours at the pool. my mom ordered some drinks and carried them down on a tray, laughing about how she was working at the resort now. i am a big dork and did not drop a drink of alcohol on the trip but i don't love drinking and i hate it even more in the hot sun. i have to realllllly be in the mood for a drink and i'm already so deliriously happy on the beach, why would i need anything to lift my mood?

we were up at the crack of dawn for both flights and neither was particularly pleasant but these were minor details to our delightful days in the sun. it was strange to relive some memories from the other times i've been there. the last visit was while i was performing in the fall when i ended up being rushed to the ER in an ambulance and spent a full day facing my biggest fears otherwise known as lots and lots of needles. the time before was when i was roughly ten minutes from ft lauderdale in hollywood while visiting my college roommates home in miami. while we were in miami, we drove to hollywood to hang with a bunch of my roommates hometown friends (read: lots of cute boys who were worth the hour long drive to our 19 year old minds). one of those friends ended up being someone who has played an incredible significant part in my life over the past 5 years and is still ridiculously important to me. this person has taught me things that i'm not sure anyone else would have had the patience to teach me and has helped me in ways that i still can't explain. he has done all of this with an open heart and in a way of caring about me that i still don't understand. so naturally i couldn't help but think about him especially with all the commercials advertising the very place i met him :o)

this is what i learned on my trip: vacations are important.

sometimes you really need to take a break for a few days and do nothing but think, read, lay and eat. it is totally and completely okay to skip working out for a few days. the sun can cure any and all of your problems. time with your mother spent talking and learning things you didn't know is really fun and important. AND for heaven's sake, leave your computer at home! what a freeing feeling! i was surely aware of my addiction though as i missed my computer the way one might miss a pet or friend. i think i should work on limiting my time spent with it from here on out.

it's back to tour for me next week and i'm heading to washington DC where i haven't been since i was 13. i'm excited to have the chance to explore the area again as an adult. until then, there are more adventures to be had here at home and in the city --

xox

leavin on a jet plane ...

and will be back on this very beach in a few short hours!

i can't wait to lay in the sun, read without interruption & hang with my momma.

the beach really is my favorite place in the whole world.

in fact, i love it so much that i'm not even bringing a computer!

see you in a few days -- xo

photo by me/october, 2009

i came home to find these ...

all over my computer desktop!

guess that's what happens when you leave your laptop out and your sister is bored.

everyone should download poladroid, it's the best :o)

but be careful of sisters with boredom!

xo

all photos taken by me & created with poladroid, 2010.

babies courtesy of Jenny + Jimmy.

Think Happy Thoughts..

i rediscovered my love for Operation Nice tonight.

have you checked it out? if not, go do it! i'll wait.

a year and a half ago, i had the privilege of interviewing the woman who created and runs the blog and spreads kindness every single day. she was just as cool as i thought she would be and the interview was done through email. when you can tell someone is cool from email, you know you have met someone amazing.

i particularly love the posters she created (as seen above) because it reminds everyone who sees it that simple, everyday gestures like holding a door or sharing a smile or some kind words can do wonders for the people you encounter each day and for yourself. think about it: don't you feel so much better after giving someone else a compliment or keeping a smile on your face even when you're exhausted or frustrated? it really helps me to be kind when i'm in a grouchy mood. check out her blog when you need a pick me up!

spread that love -- xo