"never compromise yourself.

you are all you've got."

- Janis Joplin

a love letter to my job

i'm not sure if you know,

but my job is very different than your job.

my job is the only workplace where:

1. my co-workers and i spend all of our time together outside of our work environment.

2. we live together, eat together, sleep together, travel together and play together.

3. we do not have any other important people around like friends or family.

4. we have worked together across the country and throughout canada.

5. we see each other naked. all the time. it's actually part of our job to change our clothing in front of one another and we even have other people who are hired to help us.

6. we have conversations with our co-workers while they are in the shower or on the toilet.

7. we know the details of who is sleeping with who, who is mad at who, who caused the current biggest drama, who is sick and with what and what bodily functions they have going on.

8. we celebrate birthdays and holidays with each other.

9. we speak in a strange language with words like "EPA's" and "ECC's".

10. it actually DOES matter what you look like, sound like, move like and how old you are.

11. we spend half our time pretending to be other people.

12. we are all somewhat selfish by nature and are completely okay with it.

13. our career goals, to an extent, are more important than almost everything else.

14. we can wear absolutely anything we want to our work place. anything.

15. we are very often given free food and free alcohol in exchange for spending time with strangers.

16. we did not choose our career, it chose us. and for most of us, it chose us at a very young age.

17. thousands of people pay money to watch us work.

18. our work day usually starts around 7 pm and ends around 11 pm give or take 30 minutes.

19. waking up early means being up by 10 am.

20. saturdays and sundays are our busiest work days of the week. monday is a breeze.

it's a strange existance

and i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

not for stability, not for "normalcy", not for the comfort in knowing where your next paycheck will come from, not for all the things we miss being away from home, not for the people we lose because they can't understand our work and not for an easier lifestyle.

after about 13 years of being in theatre and

after 18 months of doing the same show 8 times a week,

i still get the biggest rush and the fullest heart

from performing.

my first true love.

rocking out in 1905

today is one of those days where i'd rather not listen to fiddler on the roof.

unfortunately, that's the show i'm currently in so i don't really have a choice.

so on days like this, when i am ready to never hear the soundtrack again,

i bust out my little secret weapon:

headphones.

and everything is totally cool :o)

[can people at regular jobs do this?

can you guys just bust out headphones and put them on?

or would that be a big no-no?

regular jobs fascinate me!]

i am grateful for little distractions.

xo

p.s. isn't this little girl the cutest ever?!

i may be in love with letterpress

this past weekend i went here:

it was swell. it was more than swell.

i had to practice not yelping and jumping around a lot but i did twirl a little bit as twirling is almost always completely necessary and acceptable.

this little shindig also gave me a great opportunity to use some self-control

because i wanted to buy almost everything i saw.

for serious.

so instead, now i am just sitting around looking at the websites

of basically every designer that was there.

a lot of the booths provided really good gift inspiration and i currently

need to figure out gifts for, oh, around 72 people,

it was a great chance to get my mind moving.

now i just need to make a plan and place some orders.

did everyone know this craft fair existed except me?

going to this also gave me a chance to finally play in williamsburg

which i have only been dying to do forever.

i had my very own williamsburg friendly guide to show me around

and he did a darn good job if i do say so myself.

anybody who will drag you up onto a roof and make you climb through wires

to show you a beautiful view of the city below is alright with me.

in other news, i only have three weeks left of my tour.

i feel like it was only last week that i finally fell in love with touring.

my sense of time is completely warped.

i was trying to figure out when i got my iphone and thought

it was about 6 months when really it was a full year ago.

your brain changes on tour, i swear.

this is really a greatgrandgood thing

but sometimes it makes it harder to relate to non-touring people

and function in "regular" society

(i.e. what do you mean no one will just clean my room for me?)

and i have certainly seen the affects it has taken on certain people as of late.

however, i love it so much and if me being on tour is too much for a person

then that person is just too much for me.

so tomorrow i head to toronto

and cleveland next week for a two weeker

and then.. then it's back to new york

and on to new adventures.

xo

i say..

[*ahem. i suggest reading the post below this first if you haven't already.]

fuck what they say.

be yourself.

be needy when you need to be needy.

be independent when you need to be independent.

let whatever happens in between, happen in between.

he will either keep up

or he won't be able to handle it.

and wouldn't you rather know if he can't handle you

from the start instead of at the finish line?

or, even worse, after the reception line?

my girlfriends and i talked tonight about acting like a "girlfriend".

what does it entail?

do all of the "girlfriends" we know share the same traits? (yes)

should one act a certain way because that leads to being treated like a girlfriend

and that leads to being in a relationship? (maybe)

should you ever act like anyone you aren't? (no!)

i am who i am,

i can't help it.

i happen to think i'm particularly

awesome

and am in high hopes

that he will be able to handle the awesomeness

and if not, that someone else will.

they say..

be independent.

be strong on your own.

learn how to take care of yourself

so you never have to rely on anyone.

men love strong, confident women.

but who cares what they think, be confident for yourself

(that will definitely get you a guy).

do what makes you happy,

don't make time to fit them in,

don't look busy, actually be busy.

don't let men pay

or lift things

or help you.

show them you don't need them.

(then they'll really need you!)

then they say

but let him do things for you once in awhile,

after all, a man needs to feel needed!

let him build you something or fix something.

those are manly tasks!

let him think he's totally in control.

maybe even let him help you figure something out

even if you already figured it out!

men need to feel like men

so you need to be a woman.

a woman should

be smart but not too smart,

be available but not too available,

be skinny but not too skinny,

be pretty but not too pretty,

be perfect.

just whatever you do, don't be needy!

heavens, no.

unless, of course, he needs you to need him.

in that case, be needy but just enough

that he doesn't get nervous.

because God forbid he find out the truth:

you do actually need him

but only sometimes.

being independent can be exhausting

and even when you're wildly busy

you still think of him the whole day.

on the day he crawled into your heart

you knew you were screwed

and no matter what, you can't get him out.

that yes, women have guys that are strictly hook-ups

but no, he is not one of them.

God forbid he find out that your life is really amazing

and still, you are happiest when with him.

no, ladies, no.

don't let him know.

he'll have nothing to chase

and men love a good chase.

simple, right?

inside the brain of an actor

i had what i believe Miss Winfrey calls an "a-ha" moment tonight.

as i stood offstage in the wings, just barely out of sight from the audience, i examined my taped up fingers and tried, yet again, to convince myself that they looked totally normal, that nothing was wrong.

and then - music, curtain up, ensemble go, ensemble bow, russians go, russians bow - i'm flying back on to the stage with a fellow cast member gripping my right hand, unaware that a different cast member had accidentally gone flying through a door as i was heading in it and that my hand happened to be sacrificed in order to protect my face.

i get to center stage, the smile is broad and bright, we bow, the rush happens, i am filled up. as i finally get to stare back at the 2500+ people who have been staring at me all night, i tell myself in my head that it doesn't matter that my hand is throbbing.

they don't need to know.

BAM. lightbulb.

ohmygod did i just completely figure out why i am the way i am?

"they don't need to know" could sum up most of my life. i constantly choose to worry about the well being of everyone around me and do my damnedest not to ever be a problem for anyone ever. well, no wonder! i literally grew up on stage where i learned very early that it does not matter what you feel like, those people paid to be here and you will do your job, thank you very much. even when it wasn't a job and was just something fun that took up my nights and weekends. like a cell phone plan with an attitude problem and coffee pushing habits. i am continuously referred to as being a "trooper" and it's commonly known that if i bring something up or mention being in pain of some sort that it's probably the type of thing most people would be heading to the hospital over. one of the favored stories from this tour is how, as i was passing out in serious pain and the room around me was going black, i did not choose to call any of my friends but instead, text them so as to not disturb anyone incase they were sleeping. let me reiterate: i was on the ground, nearly unconscious and in severe pain and did not want to bother anyone. i honestly don't think i realized how dumb that was until just now, typing it.

i can say with certainty, i have a big problem with compulsive complainers and an even greater fear of ever looking as though i may be a whiner. i have the old school performer mindset of just sucking it up and working through whatever hurts. it will pass. however, maybe the fact that i've been parading around in front of thousands of people whom i deem to be more important than me and my own personal needs simply because they've paid anywhere from 20 to 200 dollars to see me, may sort of have had it's effects on me.

one of my greatest lessons this year was learning that it's not only important but crucial to pick myself over others. i used to think this was being selfish when in fact, it's being smart. it's the only was to be. of course i do not mean this in extremes. oh, sorry starving child, i must pick myself over you. no. clearly not. instead i mean saying no to going out when you would rather stay in or turning off your cell phone when you just need some time to be alone or get work done or heading out in a different direction than others because you know you can't eat where they're going and darn it, you just can't pull together a meal made up of side dishes any longer. taking care of yourself.

when push comes to shove, the audience IS the most important part of the equation. they pay to see us, we sell out houses, we all make money. but if i break it down even further i can see that if i am not well or am hurt and can not do the show, the audience isn't getting what they paid to see. what if everyone in my show didn't take care of themselves? we would fall apart! maybe not even be able to do the show. and then what?

i'm quite proud of my ability to get through virtually anything and even prouder at how serious i take what i do for a living and how much i honestly love the human beings in the audience and the show i get to be a part of every night. but maybe it's okay to take myself into consideration, too. maybe it's okay to keep putting myself first even when it's not in the designated zone that i've carved out for myself. maybe there can't be a zone but instead, an all the time type of thing. i think i would still be a good actor. actually, i think i'd probably be a better one.

i'm so baffled by this. i feel like i just figured out the last 13 years of my life.

gotta go think about this and/or not think about this.